F*** being perfect

I’m slowly improving my ability to sway away from perfection.

The pursuit of perfection has held me back from completing so many of my goals in the past.

Often times I would go without answering a question in class because I didn’t want to get the answer wrong.

I was so focused on getting the answer right, I didn’t want to chance it and potentially get it wrong.

I would lose my image of being a perfectionist. What?

That what is placed purposely. It’s me asking myself ‘What?’.

What was I thinking?

What was I holding back from?

What was this image of myself that I held onto so dearly?

It’s still hard. Not pursuing perfection that is.

Maybe school did an excellent job of drilling it into me that I shouldn’t be wrong. Or worse, that it’s bad to be wrong.

What is even right? Every single day someone proves something we’ve all understood for years as fact to be wrong.

My pursuit of perfection held me back from creating new things. Creating things of value for others.

I’m REALLLLLLLLY good at following orders. Probably one of the best. Most of what I’ve done until recently has just been me following the orders of someone else.

What happened to my ability to create? Is it gone?

Why can’t I create something without wanting it to be perfect?

I’m scared to publish this post because it won’t be perfect. That’s exactly why I need to do it.

I started a podcast recently. I’m having fun. There’s no point to it apart from just having a podcast. I’m doing a 100-day experiment. Notice how I’m using the word experiment as a cop out.

That way if all 100 episodes turn out to be a complete waste of time, I can just say, “It was only an experiment.”

I’m looking at it differently. Writing here and making a podcast every day for 100-days means I can’t lose.

Instead of striving for perfection, I’m striving for creation. Nothing else. I just want something to be there where there wasn’t anything before.

I can’t lose. This is the best game in the world.

The game of creation. Creativity has no rules. My art teacher told me that I would never be creative. I held onto to those words for as long as I can remember.

Now I realise creation is a two-way street. It’s not just about what others get out of it or just about what I get out of it. It’s both.

Maybe this post will do nothing for anyone except me. That’s fine. It’s far from perfect. Everything is.

Perfectionism held me back from creating a podcast. It held me back from posting to here after reading and browsing for months.

I’m not the best writer and I’m not the best podcaster but I am the best me in the universe (as far as I know).

So every day I want to create something new. However big or small. I’ve caught the creative bug. It’s an illness that I’m happy to put up with.

Note to self: stop trying to be perfect.