That’s the source of my anxiety. Whenever I feel as if there’s a time constraint on something. As if I’m trying to get somewhere and not just focusing on the now.
I used to get worried when I was in university, thinking about studying to become a doctor. I was worried that I would be to old if I got out of university at 24 and hadn’t got a job as a doctor yet. Now look at me. I’m not a doctor. I’m almost 24 and I’m not in university. Life goes on.
I’m still here.
When I was in high school, I would look at previous students who had graduated and came back to school to visit. They had been out of school for five, six, seven years. I would get scared to be there one day. Now I’m here. It’s not that bad.
What am I afraid of? I think I’ve worked it out.
I’m not afraid of getting old or dying. That’s a part of life as we know it. I’ve come to terms with that fact.
I’m afraid of not having anything to die for.
What’s my legacy? If I was to leave this Earth tomorrow, what would I leave behind. What could I possibly say that I put my heart and soul into?
That’s what I’m afraid of not having. Right now, I’m working towards it. I don’t know exactly what it is but I know I’m on the right track.
Slowly but surely. I’m no longer worried about turning 30, turning 40, turning 50. It’s all just a number. I’m more worried about living out those years with nothing to look back on realising I could’ve done more.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I just contradicted myself. At the start of this post, I wrote that I’m not in a rush but just now, I’m saying that I wanted to do more.
The point is not adding more, the point is getting more out of what you’re already doing. Whatever that may be. Finding your niche. Finding something that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning.
If you managed to find that thing, why would you want to rush it? Live it. Embrace it.
I’ve been lucky to find mine, it’s fitness, it’s food, it’s helping others, it’s learning. Hold on a second, that’s more than one thing. Another contradiction. Having more than one thing is okay. What’s beautiful about having more than one thing you love and that you’re skilled at, is that you’re probably the best in the world at the crossover.
This piece was mainly a note to myself to stop worrying about rushing. To stop comparing yourself to the person at the top, rather compare yourself to the self you want to be and the self you used to be. They’re the only valid comparisons.
I’m excited to wake up tomorrow and battle the demons that arise, they’re always going to there. If they weren’t, life would be boring.
My demon today was about doing more things with less time. It’s a fairly common occurrence for me to have these kind of anxious thoughts arise. But I just crushed them.
You can crush yours too.